Phew! What a winter, eh? Welcome, glorious sun!
Phew, I should say, what a deep shadowy pass I have moved through this winter. Of course, those of us who are more connected to the global Anusara community have been doing a great deal of processing about the seismic shifts in participation, leadership, and structure of the community. So much of the shadow, the unconsidered, that which sits below conscious awareness, has been opened and lived out and sifted through. And for me, not just in Anusara community. In many relationships, the shadow has arisen to be lived and met and seen and felt. I have opened to darker energies in myself, darker feelings, that I have not seen or felt for some time.
I have been doubtful and felt defeated. Some of the feelings were so powerful, I lost that sense of the core that holds the whole of me. I find it so fascinating how life raises the stakes for learning and opening to our fullest potential, often in ways that are utterly disorienting.
It was my mentor Jon Hansen who held me there and drew me back into presence. He offered me the prospect of pulling my projections right back into my core. And the minute I did that – BAM! Empowerment. Without effort, without contrivance. Without attempting to be anything other than what I am, without trying to feel differently. I opened to the depth of a negative feeling about someone else. And from that space of unapologetic, honest experience, I pulled that negativity back inside, and felt a physical surge of power rise into my core.
And just last night, another contraction – discomfort and edginess crept up inside as waves of disturbed, faithless, un-centered thinking tore through my mind. Suddenly, everything that I thought was okay was not okay – has this ever happened to you? In the depths of it – I remembered – to find the spaciousness that holds the whole. To experience the discomfort, to lean into it, and at the same time to open to that great awareness that sees all of it – every thought, every feeling, every experience held in the vastness of awareness itself. I attuned to the vastness, and watched the disturbed thinking dissolve into scintillations of very subtle bliss.
It’s natural for these waves of darkness to arise. Especially if we are interested in living life to the full and in service to the greater good. Indeed it is our own desire to become skillful in handling those interior movements of energy that engenders our ability to open to the wonder of life in it’s lighter expressions, and offer care for others in a way of deepest compassion and with loving, healthy boundaries.
This project of meeting ourselves fully is at the very heart of ‘Walking in the Way of Light’, which is my inspiration for 2012. And further, it is a great place to start for our spring detox. I wrote in my journal recently ‘Juice Fast? No! Truth, fast!’. I know, ha,ha – corny, right? But I think of this as a detox, forgive the curse-word, from my own bullshit. From my tendency to seek truth in my mind-chatter (that’s not where truth usually hangs out – have you noticed?), or my compulsion to make my darker feelings mean something (usually about someone else – you know what I mean? Either that or about myself, in a sort of a victim-ish way. But I am sure you never do that….).
I invite you to join me in a sweet clean-up job from the inside out. In classes, workshops, and in my private sessions, I will be sharing time-tested and effective methods for working with whatever is coming up, and allowing it to feed our opening to the next level of our lives. None of this life is an accident, if we choose to allow it all to nourish our center.