Hey My Love,
I hope this message finds you well during this Autumn which is so clement and exceptional in London this year.
Since I last wrote, so much has taken place. I took my longest break ever from teaching my London classes, four solid weeks, and delved deep into study with master teachers – and offered some loving support for my beloved, intimate sister who is working with cancer treatment right now.
It was a soulful time – a time of reflection and profound questioning of what really matters. An inventory of what my teachers have taught, weighed up against the authority of my own experience. A renewal of my commitment to truth – that fire that burns away the distortion. Lots of tears. My dearest beloved sister is in such an exceptional confrontation with her mortality and her body and her soul’s needs and her family of origin conditioning – it was extraordinary to bear witness to that grist in the mill of her awakening. It was raw for both of us. And just replete with love – we are journeying together in this life. That commitment to one another through thick and thin is wordless, embodied, and even animal. She is in my pack and I am here for her as she is here for me. I stand for her – for her great love, for her mighty heart. It’s an honour to walk in this way with her. I’m blessed to have this intimacy.
And another movement of my being is happening, emerging out of all of this. As I passed my 44th birthday at the end of August, I entered into a new recognition and calibration around my desire to have a family. This long held desire – to share in meaningful intimacy, and to enjoy the challenges of relationship and the call to love deeply – has been an ache in my heart for long years. Pregnancy – a state that has utterly fascinated me since my earliest childhood – is not to be a part of this body’s life, so it seems. And so, it is time: to live in the release of all of this, years of expectation and desire, and ease the charge of my many days of wild longing. And there’s no consolation prize: no exciting new love or career development or any alternative desire that wants to come alive in my body world to off-set this sting. And truly – what could possibly take the sting out of such a loss? It is what it is, it wants digesting and living out with total clarity of presence and no denial whatsoever. What’s sad is sad. We lose what we lose. We love what we love, and my life rolls on, often with an oblique or even contrarian relationship to all the passion I want to pour into the alternative life reality I spent years wishing for. (Does this resonate with your own life’s stubborn refusals?)
While this sounds like a pretty heavy curriculum, all I can tell you is this: it’s so sweet. It hurts, sure, but it’s so sweet to live in the truth of my life as it unfolds, and to continue to recognise this: that this body and this life do not belong to any kind of personal ‘me’. Life belongs to life, and that includes me. It’s good to let go. It’s as natural as the disappointment itself. And I can’t script it – any of it – any more than I can ‘do’ the letting go. It all just happens at it’s own rate, in it’s own time and on it’s own terms.
Here’s another dimension: as this is all going on, I feel more and more power flowing through me. Like, the opposite of dis-empowering. It’s as though that energy that was all projected into these deep desires is finding its way home. And it nourishes me. Deeper than I could ever have imagined.
I’m arriving, again, at the beginning of everything. Even as my life’s mission becomes more articulate, I find myself wondering what my life is for. As I grieve and release, still my longing burns brighter.
And – it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful. And it’s all for me – for my benefit. I am enjoying the wordless, tender caresses of life’s onslaught. Of my life turning itself around again. The rawness is tender and a caress. Everything is an unruly paradox.
And here, now, as I write this – a young couple comes over, sits down next to me, unwrapping their beautiful 2 month old son. They sit here in a kind of a rapture, adoringly gazing at their beloved child, as the sun sinks low and spills a glut of honey tone all over the place. Amber sunlight melts all over my own face – which is older.
But not even remotely careworn.
There’s nothing to fear here, is there, my dear One?
Thank you for bearing my witness, reader. Do let me know if this speaks to you. I love to hear from you, as you know.
Upcoming is a whole mess of magical stuff. The next 12 months of my life is simply stuffed with amazing events that I am leading or co-facilitating or supporting. It’s just – sigh – amazing.
Please save the date on December 1st for my newest and most inspiring healing event. Limited spaces available and I’ll send announcements soon soon.
All awesome stuff below for your own healing and enjoyment. Dig in.
Blessings of Love, Fellow Traveller,
xx Leila x x